Duckling to Swan: The Bachelor, Hasslich Edition – Meet the Bachelor!


Now that we’ve met all of our lovely bachelorettes, it’s time to meet the man of the hour, The Hasslich Bachelor!



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See that guy right there?  The one with the sweet hair?  Yeah, that’s me. I’m pretty sure this picture is supposed to make me look mysterious, or suave or something, but I’m an honest guy, so here’s the truth.  I don’t know how to play the piano, and the only thing happening in this picture is me bashing random keys and damaging my eardrums.

And this picture?

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I think it’s supposed to be romantic.  It’s supposed to make me look serious, contemplative, like I’m considering the levity of this whole “Duckling to Swan” thing, picturing my future wife and hypothetical children, and imagining the amazing ways in which my life is about to change.  In reality?  I just have to pee, and that fountain is only making things worse.

Here’s the thing, though.  I might not know how to play the piano, and I might not be mysterious, or suave, or even particularly deep. But I am a romantic.  And that’s why I’m here.

See, I’ve always believed in love.  My parents are the best example of love I’ve ever seen, and because of them I know what a marriage should be.

This is my mom and dad on their wedding day:

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Well, that’s my mom, anyway.  Tabitha Hasslich-Locke.  The goofy guy in the llama suit is my dad, Tom Locke.  Here’s a better picture of him, taken at my cousin Aurora’s wedding, way back before I was even born! This is what my dad really looked like back then, on the rare occasion he wasn’t wearing the llama suit:

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My parents have been married (and happily so) for very a long time now. They have always put each other first and been there for each other through thick and thin, and even though they’re both old and gray now, they’re almost always holding hands, and even making out when they think no one can see.

They’re a perfect match, and they have never tried to change one other, which is really something, all things considered. See, my dad is REALLY shy.  To this day, he has trouble expressing himself unless he’s in the llama suit.  But he would do anything for my mom, and my mom accepts him and loves him for exactly who he is, llama suit and all.  That’s the kind of love I’m looking for.

My name is Derek Hasslich-Locke….

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…and I’m here to find my soulmate.  That sounded cheesy, didn’t it?  But it’s the truth, and like I said, I’m an honest kind of guy.  I’m looking for the girl I can’t imagine my life without, who loves me for me, quirks and all.  And maybe – if I’m really honest – a woman who’s easy on the eyes, if you know what I mean.  I know I’m a Hasslich and all, but I’m still a guy, amirite?

Am I prepared for this whole “bachelor” thing?  Probably not.  I know how these things go down, I’m not above a little reality TV every now and again.  It’s all about the drama, the cattiness, the jealousy.  But it’s not easy finding your soulmate in a town where you’re related to 80% of the population – being a Hasslich has its perks for sure, but a plethora of dating options isn’t one of them.  “Duckling to Swan,” sadly enough, is my best chance at finding the girl of my dreams.

So here I am, ready to roll.  The moment I’ve been waiting for has almost arrived, when I’ll finally get to meet the nine bachelorettes!  I won’t say I have low expectations, exactly – I just don’t know what to expect.  Luckily, I didn’t inherit my dad’s social anxiety, or I’d be running around this mansion in a monkey suit or something.  But I’m pretty outgoing, actually more like my mom – and I’m hoping to use that to my advantage.  I know there’s bound to be a few awkward moments here or there, but my small talk game is top notch.

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So what else about me?  Oh, right.  I’m a bookworm, though most people are surprised by that, and I’m an outdoor enthusiast, too.

And one last thing –  I’m nervous as plum.

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Next time …. the competition finally begins!






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